Maxine is the crabby old woman character created by the New Jersey, USA cartoonist John Wagner for Hallmark cards. Maxine is outspoken on many subjects, sex, work, retirement, political incorrectness etc and, of course, being a woman of a certain age, she says much about the process of growing old. She is the perfect mouthpiece for wrinkinsults.which is a humorous take on the aging process where body bits, including the brain, droop or fail to work without assistance. In this respect knotted hankerchiefs, spectacles, hearing aids, boob jobs and Viagara have something in common. Maxine is also the epitome of a curmudgeon
Just as I do with my birthday greetings rhymes, John sometimes borrows concepts and phrases already out there, the work of that famous pen-smith Author Unknown.
This is John with his character
You're how old?
That's gotta hurt
Well into later years you can have
A healthy sex life, if blessed
. And provided, of course you can stand
The sight of people your age undressed
Butt jiggle is just my little way of...Waving goodbye!
How do you prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out!
At my age I don't take naps outdoors. People start breaking out shovels
Getting older is like visiting an all-you-can-eat buffet.
What should be hot is cold.
What should be firm is limp,
And the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu
Losing muscle tone
Is, by any standard, bad
It's worse if in muscles
You didn't know you had
You've got enough money
To see you out
Provided that, in popping your clogs,
You don't hang about
Getting over body issues
And avoiding the wrinkles-forming frown
Is like getting over a fear of heights
The trick is not to look down
When you caught a Peeping Tom
Watching you undress.
Did you not call the cops,
Coz he'd suffered enough stress?
If you're reincarnated, pray it's into something
That doesn't go through menopause
And has a body that doesn't laugh
But rather gives you applause
If to alcohol and junk food
You always say No
You won't live forever
It'll just seem so
If with age comes wisdom
To most it sounds
As if this "wisdom" thing
Weighs about 40 pounds
You've always tucked your cell phone in your bra
And it was OK
You can't now hear it coz you're getting deaf
And it's too far away
You now call your boobs your laptop
Coz that's where they are
You've stopped being young and attractive
Being grumpy is easier, by far
Online shopping is OK
But you miss your favourite trait
Fumbling for your checkbook
Making the folk behind wait
In the Winter when you dress warm
Coz it's cold outside and snowing
By the time you get all bundled up
You've forgotten where you were going
When dressing the Christmas tree
And the ornaments droop too far
You get that sinking sort of feeling
That it's time for a new bra